Monty Python and The Empty Coffee Cup
by CoffeeAddictsAnonymous
Summary: After an evening of watching Monty Python's Holy Grail 5 times, Lorelai needs coffee bad, bad, bad. As usual, she has to battle Luke for it. Luke is refusing, and Lorelai is desperate. What will she do for coffee? Will Jess get sick from what happens? Is


Monty Python and The Empty Cup of Coffee  
  
Authors: Caitlin and Marie  
  
Feedback: Review, or else.  
  
Rating: G  
  
Disclaimers: We are not Amy Sherman-Palladino, or the WB, or even Lauren Graham, though Caitlin would like to think so. We also don't own anything that remotely has to DO with Monty Python. (Rats, that would be good to patent.) Words in slashes=italics.  
  
More disclaimers: We are not the knights who say Ni. We are not the keepers of the sacred word, Ni. We don't take any flames. We shall say Ni again to you, if you do not appease us. We shall also burn down your house with yes, but the very flame you gave us! Thank you, and have a good day.  
  
-------  
  
Rory watched as Lorelai's eyes lit up at the sight of an invisible cat.  
  
"Heeeeeeere, kitty, kitty…"  
  
"Uh, mom."  
  
"Bring out yer dead! Bang! Meeeow. Here, kitty."  
  
"Too much Monty Python gets to your head."  
  
"For we are the knights who say---"  
  
"Mom, don't start."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"People are staring."  
  
"Let them!" Lorelai let out a loud cackle. "I'm not crazy, just merely misunderstood! HAHAHAHA."  
  
Rory giggled nervously.  
  
"The only reason you're still in this town is because you're good for entertainment."  
  
"They neeeeed me. Answer these questions three---"  
  
Luke walked over to their part of the bar and finished. "-'ere the other side you see. Yeah, I know. How many times did you watch Holy Grail this month, Lorelai?"  
  
"A European swallow or an African swallow?" She acted as though she hadn't even noticed him.  
  
Rory answered for her. "I doooon't knoooow."  
  
They both said in unison, "THUD!"  
  
Luke picked up Lorelai's oversized coffee cup. "Would you shut up if I refilled the coffee?"  
  
Lorelai tilted her head sideways. "Bring out yer dead!"  
  
Rory sighed. "I don't think anything will stop her, Luke."  
  
"Maybe a FREE refill."  
  
Lorelai's eyes lit up. "I feel happy… I feel happy…"  
  
Rory rolled her eyes. "Since I'm suddenly her spokesperson, that's five free refills. One for her, and four for the voices in her head."  
  
"Coming right up."  
  
After Luke took her coffee cup and walked off, Rory turned to Lorelai.  
  
"Did you do that on purpose?"  
  
"Maybe."  
  
"Mom, you're manipulative."  
  
"Which gets you more coffee? Manipulative or not?"  
  
"Manipulative."  
  
"All right then."  
  
Luke brought back Lorelai's /one/ free refill.  
  
She pouted and shrieked. "Myyyy spokesperson saaaaid FIVE!"  
  
"I don't believe in spokespersons."  
  
"He's a witch! Burn him! Burn him!"  
  
Rory patted Lorelai on the shoulder as she noticed the place clearing out. "It'll all be okay when you hit the psychiatric ward, I promise."  
  
"Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG! Zoom-Boing! Z'nourrwringmm!"  
  
Luke shook his head. "I suppose she means more coffee."  
  
Lorelai nodded. "Placed slightly higher over the other for a two level effect, and a pathway through the middle."  
  
Rory handed Luke Lorelai's coffee cup. "When she hears, 'Let's have a Monty Python marathon,' she assumes that means, 'Let's watch Holy Grail five times,'"  
  
Lorelai nodded vigorously. "Forget Life of Brian. COFFEE, MANSERVANT! I DEMAND COFFEE!"  
  
Luke took the coffee cup from Rory. "I'd rather hear 'Coffee Talk' off of Saturday Night Live, so you don't get any ideas, Lorelai, all day, than you reciting Holy Grail."  
  
Lorelai switched accents. "Like buttah. Like a huge stick of buttah."  
  
Rory chimed in, "To owah deah friend Pawl Bawldwin, who developed shpilchus in his kannectickazoink. Get well soon, deah."  
  
Luke looked at the clock. "And how long have you been here, exactly, Linda Richman and Liz Rosenberg?"  
  
Lorelai looked at her watch. "Rory has ten minutes to get to school."  
  
Rory ignored this last statement, and sang out, "Let's talk dirty to the animals, the animals, the animals!"  
  
Lorelai piped up, "Up yours, Mr. Elephant!"  
  
Luke groaned. "Not only have you two been looking at Holy Grail 5 times, you've been watching old reruns of Saturday Night Live, too."  
  
Rory looked at the clock. "Yeah, we make a regular comedy troupe. This half has to go catch the bus to hell."  
  
She ran out the door, slamming it shut.  
  
Rory hoped those two idiots would notice their feelings… they'd been flirting for years.  
  
-------  
  
Lorelai pulled Luke down by the collar so they could be face to face.  
  
"Did I ever tell you what a nice baseball cap you have?" She gave him a malicious grin, before snatching off the cap and tossing it across the room to Jess. "Catch!"  
  
Lorelai turned back to Luke.  
  
"I've taken your precious cap until you pay the ransom-COFFEE!"  
  
She beat Luke over to Jess and grabbed the cap.  
  
"Pay up or the hat here gets it," she said.  
  
"How?"  
  
"It'll go out the window."  
  
"Oh no you wouldn't?"  
  
"Like I said, pay up, or I'll find the time to make cement shoes for Mr. Cappy."  
  
Jess got up from where he had been sitting. "If I didn't know better, I'd say Lorelai was flirting with you, Uncle," he said as he walked out of the diner.  
  
Lorelai was caught off-guard. In that split second, Luke took his hat back and put it on his head.  
  
She screeched and got Luke in a headlock, giving him the addicted-druggie look.  
  
"Coffee."  
  
"It'll kill you."  
  
"Then I'll die happy."  
  
"Bring out yer dead!"  
  
Lorelai muttered, "I've gotten to you. Coffeeeee."  
  
He wrestled out of the headlock.  
  
"Noooo."  
  
She ran behind the counter, deftly found the coffee pot, and a cup, and filled it up.  
  
Jess looked at Luke – who remained in the same spot, shaking his head – and said, "She's flirting /again/. It's the same thing, every day, every week, every month."  
  
Lorelai spun around, careful not to spill a drop of her precious, hard- earned life liquid, or coffee, whichever one is more convenient. "I am NOT. And Jess, I thought you were my friend! And didn't you go out two seconds ago?"  
  
"I came back. And caught you with your pants down. I think that coffee has hallucinogens in it."  
  
"Maaaagic mushrooms in the coooooffeeeee." Lorelai cackled.  
  
Jess shook his head. "No help for this woman."  
  
Lorelai sipped and nodded. "No help is there for me. I am special schizophrenic with four voices in head."  
  
Luke put the coffee pot back. "And I assume they all need their daily twenty cups of coffee?"  
  
"Yeeessss."  
  
Jess went upstairs. "I'll leave you two /alone/."  
  
Lorelai screamed. "No, don't leave me here with anti-coffee man!"  
  
Jess walked halfway down the steps. "If I'm here, you'll flirt, and I'll vomit. If I go, you'll flirt, and there won't be any breakfast coming back to visit. I say, the best option is, I go."  
  
Lorelai sat back down at the bar and sulked at Luke. "I… need… coffee."  
  
"Caffeine headache?"  
  
"Yessss."  
  
"How bad?"  
  
"I go home. Take Ibuprofen. Take nap. Take more Ibuprofen. Discover we are out and go hold up a convenience store with a plastic bag over my head."  
  
"That bad?"  
  
"Yesss."  
  
She looked desperately at Luke. "Must… have… coffee."  
  
She faked a faint.  
  
Luke looked down at her a bit concerned, and started shaking her.  
  
Lorelai stifled a chuckle and snuggled closer to his arms as he shook her.  
  
Jess walked back down into the diner. He spun around and headed for the bathroom, his hand over his mouth.  
  
Luke ignored Jess and continued to shake her.  
  
She closed her eyes and opened them back again, giving a little you-have- awakened-the-queen groan. She acted surprised that he was holding her, but she moved closer anyway.  
  
"What the hell are you doing?"  
  
"Moving closer?"  
  
Luke shook his head again. "The coffee's getting to your brain, isn't it?"  
  
"Ni."  
  
"I thought so."  
  
"But then again, I don't now. Mind if I find out?"  
  
She kissed him for a minute.  
  
He pulled away. "All you had to do was go behind the counter…"  
  
She kissed him again.  
  
"Then again, maybe I should give you coffee more often. "  
  
Jess looked down the stairs briefly, and headed back to the bathroom.  
  
Lorelai glanced out, only to see all of Stars Hollow gaping in to the windows.  
  
"Say, Luke, isn't that Kirk down there with his camera, taking shots of us for the paper? I can see it now: 'Lorelai Gilmore and Luke Danes Finally Hook Up.'"  
  
Luke sat down next to her and held her hands in his. "Doesn't matter. He left the lens cap on."  
  
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